My Fork

So here is a quick update for those who care (analytics show 4 people read the blog so that is about 4 more than should care).

I have stopped all oral antibiotics. They destroyed my stomach, killed my appetite, and i was losing weight. I was a pregnant female with morning sickness, but mine was worse, because even after the nausea leaves i NEVER craved ANYTHING! Also there was no end, it wasnt like in 9 months it would all stop.

 Lyme pain + headaches + no appetite + stress + low blood sugar + nausea + no food in all the world sounding appitizing + (no antibiotics = no killing of the bacteria) + lessening hope + depression = scary things looking like better options.

Here are the options (or next steps) the way i see them:

1. 1. Intramuscular antibiotic treatment (which i am currently doing with many of the above problems, but the addition of a super sore ass 4 days a week)
2. 2. IV antibiotics to the point i either kill the lyme or kill myself.
3. 3. Yield to the theory that after 3 weeks of antibiotics you are healed and whatever pain you have is damage from the lyme, and then make a choice:
1. Become a hard-core pain killer addict so that i can enjoy life and try to function as a "normal" human.
2. Become an insane stunt double, like the stunts where death is probably.
3. Become a reality TV star doing ish that could kill you (partly in hopes it does) while still entertaining society
4. Move to a country where euthanasia is legal and get signed up.
5. Euthanasia myself (cheaper than option 4)
6. Figure a way to be a martyr for the cause

If i cant make progress on antibiotics, and/or this is what i am stuck with, then to hell with this awful life. I WILL end it. People arent supposed to live in pain like this.

I had somebody ask me, "What keeps you going, and at what point are you just done?"

I had to think about it for a while. I never had a set number of years that i would allow before i just gave up. But i came up with it, and it answers both questions. My best friend is all that keeps me going. (And  my faith in God obviously) If it werent for her my life would be so incredibly hard, and hopeless. So when she, Moki, my dog passes then i better be done with treatment, otherwise we are going out together. She has about 12 years of life left, and that is way more than enough. If i am not in remission by then, then it is time to stop being a drag on society.

Pray for a cure. We need a cure! What we have doesnt work in all people, and it doesnt work well enough!